This year I spent my Labor Day the same as the previous five, filled with anxiety and an unshakeable sense of dread. I tried to busy myself with a trip to the grocery store, but for me that means Walmart, where the disheveled bins of pencils and glue sticks only served to further my heartsickness.

The night before our first day ever of homeschooling I remember feeling so alone. All the other kids we knew would be boarding busses and shouldering backpacks in the morning; many of the moms I knew would be hitting the gym for a mid-morning workout. My son and I would be sitting at the dining room table, staring at each other and into the unknown.

My anxiety probably made sense back then. But why now? Why do I still feel so alone the night before our public school cohorts return to their institutions? I know lots of other homeschoolers now. I’m confident in our decision to home educate our kids. So why can’t I shake the feeling of isolation that comes washing over me in this annual tidal wave?

I suspect some of it may come from my own experiences in school. In seventeen years of formal education, I think I felt some excitement in returning only a handful of times. As a quiet, academically-gifted student (read: nerd), my close cohort could usually be counted on one hand. But in many ways, my kids are much more confident than I ever was and their school experience is so different than mine, this should actually help to stave off my fears.

Maybe it’s because even though I pride myself on being weird, I don’t want people to consider me unapproachable or unworthy. My inner struggle is always my desire to be alone, waging war against my deep-seated fear of being lonely.

Do you ever feel this way? Do you pity the kids filing into school in early September, while secretly and silently wondering if your kids should be among them? Do you scroll through the endless collection of “first day” pictures in your social media feeds and think yours somehow just doesn’t measure up? I read many posts from homeschool moms who seem so admirably self-assured, but is this how everyone really feels? Am I the only one who simultaneously believes in the righteousness of my decision and feels the painful pull of the status quo?

Maybe for you it’s not the first day of school, but some other trigger: Facebook field trip photos, honor roll announcements, scholarship or award notifications for opportunities of which you weren’t aware. So, how can we stand together to lift each other up in times when our resolve wavers? To what truths do you hold firm when temptations to live like the majority strike? How do you protect your heart and your kids from feeling out of place and isolated among their peers?

This year my encouragement came Tuesday morning in the form of a Facebook memory from six years ago. It was the photo I had posted of my oldest son’s first day of kindergarten – the only year of public school any of my kids have attended. His insincere smile did nothing to mask the uncertainty I knew he was feeling. I was flooded with memories of the reports from his teacher for the most minor of typical-boy infractions, the bad experiences on the bus, the bullying on the playground. And while I still struggle – five years later – with feelings on being “left out” this time of year, the memories were enough to strengthen my resolve as another year of homeschooling looms. I am grateful for the opportunity to sew into my children daily, to help them feel safe, loved and understood, and to know we’ve made the best decision for our family.

So, how about you? What brings you encouragement on the lonely days or times of uncertainty? Share in the comments below or on my Facebook page.